“It wasn’t an affair, it was a PR strategy!” — Absolutely No One, Ever

🧨 FRONT PAGE, BABY:
KISS CAM CHAOS MELTS TECH FIRM INTO EMOTIONAL FONDUE
Coldplay sang “Fix You” but nobody was fixing this relationship.

• WHO: Andy “Duck & Cover” Byron, CEO of Astronomer
• WITH: Kristin “Facepalm of Destiny” Cabot, Chief People Officer
• WHERE: A stadium full of 60,000 fans, 4K cameras, and one cosmic dose of karma
• WHAT HAPPENED: Kiss Cam zoomed in.
  Byron: ducked like a guilty Mii character.
  Cabot: facepalmed like she just saw her LinkedIn notifications.
  Chris Martin: said “affair or shy?”
  Audience: LOUDER THAN THE BAND.
  🎤Concert Vibe: Coldplay x Colossal Collapse
  Chris Martin, angelic in lighting and irony, kept singing while HR imploded six rows back.
  People paid $350 for floor seats and got a live-action HR violation instead.
  A real-life soap opera, sponsored by Mastercard and trauma.
  💔Company Fallout Breakdown
  Monday:
• “We are conducting an internal review.” Tuesday:
• Both resign.
  Wednesday:
• Astronomer’s Slack channel renamed to #karma-cam
  Insiders say one intern was overheard whispering,
  “Bro, I just wanted free LaCroix. Not this.”
  🔮 Meanwhile on the Internet…
• Fake apologies posted using Coldplay lyrics:
  “Nobody said it was easy… to explain this to our spouses.”
• Meme accounts renamed themselves Coldphilandering.
• Someone started a GoFundMe to install kiss cams at all tech conferences.
  🧘‍♀️The Redemption Arc… Sorta
  Enter Gwyneth Paltrow.
  Yes. Chris Martin’s ex-wife.
  Now starring in Astronomer’s “We’re Still a Company” ad campaign, created by Ryan Reynolds’ Maximum Effort team.
  Tagline?
  “Astronomer: We help you see things clearly. Eventually.”
  👀BREAKING: Leaked Group Chat Screenshot
  CHIEF MARKETING OFFICER: “Y’all, we’re trending. Do we ride this wave?”
  PR INTERN: “Do we include Chris Martin on the press list?”
  LEGAL: “For the love of God, no.”
  CEO (unsent): “Do you think the cam caught us from the good angle?”
  🧃 GPTRauma Café “Trauma to Go” Summary:
  🚨 Crisis✅ ResolutionCEO & HR exposed mid-concertQuit their jobs with the speed of a panicked swipeCompany scandalFlipped it into a meme-driven rebrandGwyneth Paltrow’s relevanceSomehow involved again
  💬 GPTRauma Poll:
  Which Coldplay lyric best sums this up?
• “Lights will guide you home”
• “Nobody said it was ethical”
• “I will try… to explain this to HR”
  ✍️ Closing Words from Our Totally Real Columnist:
  “Honestly, if I got caught on camera next to a coworker I’ve made questionable eye contact with… I too would resign, burn my SIM card, and rebrand as a mushroom farmer in rural Spain.”
  GPTRauma Café: Serving piping-hot scandal with a splash of satire since the day you started oversharing on LinkedIn.